C'est Fini.

I woke up this morning with itchy and puffy eyes. Partly because of allergies, partly from the crying. 

I have cried way too many times these past few days.

Thinking back, that video of me drunkenly, jokingly screaming "IT'S OVER!!!" was rather ominously and painfully foretelling and prophetic. The thought of it is almost making me laugh. Almost.

Wasted time, wasted effort, wasted energy, drained emotions. Completely pointless. I'm not the type of person who needs to experience something to learn a lesson, so this could have absolutely been avoided. It's like trying to piece together a frustratingly difficult 1,000 piece puzzle only to have to have it break apart when you were near completion and having to start over again. Piecing myself together was already an impossible and agonizingly slow process. This? I didn't need this.

 

And the worst part? Proven correct. Yet again. 

But as I have said:

Never look back, never go back. 

Gardez les yeux ouverts.

Aujourd'hui, il me semble que toute mon existence n'aura été qu'un enchaînement de petits ratages. 

In the Quivering Forest...

Let's lie on the grass and look at passing clouds.
I would love nothing more at this very moment.

With scarves of red tied 'round their throats

I want it to be winter forever.

...the abyss gazes also into you.

Exhaustion has set in. Responsibilities and obligations make up a list longer than one of all the men Paris Hilton has slept with. Even with finals looming in the distance and deadlines for assignments hovering and trailing me like rain clouds, I end up here. 

Toujours ici.

I've wondered for the longest time what it would be like if I just walked out of everyone's lives; if one day I, without a word or warning, packed my bags and moved to a different state or country. 

I would never look back, never go back. 

When Do You Think It Will All Become Clear?

If people could see me the way I see myself, I have a feeling I would have a much fewer number of friends.

I Deserve Better? I Deserve Better. I Deserve Better?

And just like that, it's as if the veil has been lifted from my eyes and, suddenly, I can see everything for what it is. People are right: when girls fall, they fall hard.

I have never had a problem cutting someone out of my life. In fact, I have always said that, when I make the decision to cut ties with someone, there is no turning back and no thinking twice. So why is it so difficult this time? I have mulled this over for a few weeks and I have come to the conclusion that I held on because I prayed and I hoped in my heart that I would be enough for someone to want to change. That I would be enough. Period.

How pathetic.

I guess I am still that naive nine year old who wants her fairy tale ending, which is absolutely absurd considering the extremity of my cynicism. Perhaps I secretly hope I am wrong each and every time. But I am not. 

Never have words of endearment been such slaps to the face. It still stings. 

The wall I have spent years building came down--only slightly. But that was enough for me to realize that that was already too much. I had let my guard down. 

The Harsh Truth.

The Truth About Men with Jay Brigham

A bit lolworthy at some parts, but hits a bit close to home.