You're Nobody 'til Somebody Loves You

Sometimes, I wish I had someone with whom I can share the little moments in life--moments where I would look over, and he would look back, and a silent understanding would pass between us. 

I have never found that person. At 15, I didn't really think much of it. At close to 20--I won't lie--I'm growing anxious. 

I am about to enter my third decade of life. Third decade. How bizarre is that to even comprehend? My parents met right around this time in their lives. Yet, where am I? 

It's not as if I constantly think about love, finding love, or falling in love; I put it out of my mind and it stays at bay, for the most part. As of late, however, life seems to want to remind me every chance it gets. Couples, everywhere I go. When I step out of my apartment, more often than not, I will see a loved up pair stroll hand-in-hand past me. My iTunes seems to only play sappy love songs, even on shuffle. Even random ads on Facebook broadcast love matching sites. Hanging out with people with significant others doesn't seem to help much, either. Story lines on my favorite television shows seem to mirror reality. 

What might be worse than not finding that someone is coming close to it. To have found someone with whom you wouldn't mind doing nothing, with whom you wouldn't mind doing everything, whose company you enjoy, who makes you laugh, who takes you by surprise, who...complements you is so bittersweet when you realize those very feelings you feel for him are not reciprocated. Or, rather, that they are, but not to the extent with which you feel for him. How ironic is it that when we first met, I would not give him the time of day? That I wrote him off immediately? And here we are, full circle. 

I think it unfortunate that I feel things so intensely, whether it be fleeting moments of happiness or long bouts of weariness. 

Yet, I should be grateful, because I don't feel anything, and haven't felt anything for a long while, and, frankly, that is much worse. 

Game Over.

I had a sudden revelation a few days ago as I was walking back to my apartment after class: I want to be with someone who adores and appreciates me. The very notion is so simple that it seems almost absurd to even have to say it. But it needs to be said because I need to get it through my head. 

I want to be with someone who wants to call me, who wants to hear my oddly nasally voice because it brightens their day. I don't want to be left in the lurch. I don't want to be left wondering. 

This is all coming out now because I finally accepted that I deserve better. I am not unattractive. I am no Gisele (who apparently is a marker of comparison for guys), but I suppose that isn't such a bad thing because I personally think she looks sort of manly sometimes. Anyway, I have a personality, I have a sense of humor, and most importantly, I have a life outside of whoever I might be interested in. Honestly, it sounds so pathetic for me to list these things, to have to remind myself why I am eligible.  

Also, why is it that I hold onto men who appear to be only marginally pleased with the fact that I am in their lives, who seem to take my presence for granted? Their exasperation and indifference are sometimes so evident that I question again and again why I still haven't moved on. Perhaps, now is the time to.

This entry came about because I spent a good amount of time last night reading available excerpts from He's Just Not That Into You. I never thought I would be one to turn to a self-help book, and I certainly never thought one would change my outlook. Difficult as it is to admit, I think it has. I guess Berger was good for something besides being an insecure failure of a writer. 

To be clear, I am not about to pull a Miranda and start spreading this bit of information with other girls like it is the Word of Christ; it will still take time to digest. When you like someone, it isn't easy to just call it quits and walk away. I know I will still make excuses for his behavior and actions in an attempt to convince myself that I mean anything close to significant to him. But I know this will all click into place in my head one day and I will simply pick up and leave. I am just waiting to get to that point.

Perhaps when that moment comes, he might realize that there was someone else out there who appreciated me just a tad more and that I was smart enough to leave. Or maybe he wouldn't even care at all. 

When that moment comes, I won't care whether he cared or not, either. 

Rien n'est certain.

Suddenly, I feel so old and weary...and filled with regret. 

New Year, New Beginnings.

I have several entries that I began writing but never finished. Perhaps it is the minor writer's block that I have had for over a year now, or maybe I just can't gather my thoughts together to form coherent ideas anymore, but I suppose those blog entries will remain unfinished. I find that rather fitting, however, as it is the new year and as those blog entries chronicled things and issues that were prevalent on my mind in 2008; now would be the time to cast them away (as cliched as that is. I suppose that is the theme today, but I will save that story for a much more light-hearted entry, should I feel inclined to write one). 

Certain things that occurred during the last few days of last year have forced me to revisit feelings that I have not felt that strongly for a very long time. This is not a good thing. It has thrown me back into a  state of mind that I've managed to stave off for the duration of the previous year; I might've made forays into it occasionally, but for the most part, I was not consumed by it as I had been when I was younger. Make guesses, if you'd like, but I choose to remain ambiguous, because, quite frankly (and ironically), I have a very difficult time communicating how I feel to others--even loved ones. Just typing that made me shift uncomfortably in my seat. A bit surprising considering I write a public blog (and am a future Communications major)...

Nevertheless, remnants of 2008 have undoubtedly trailed after me into 2009, and that does not make for a good start to the new year, as 2008 was a pretty bad year, in general.

However! In an attempt to move forward and to stop looking to the past, I'm excited to say that there is something that has been in the works that will hopefully be made official next week, 'round Thursday or Friday. I want to say more, but I shan't. Details are being finalized at the moment, so perhaps when we get closer to Friday, I will post some more about it.

I did not make resolutions for the new year because I really don't understand the point, but if I did, I would try to change my attitude toward meeting new people. So far, it's worked out in my favor because I met some pretty amazing individuals toward the end of last year. If I keep this up, maybe I will finally be proven wrong about people and discover that they are not complete shit.

Unfortunately, that is still my attitude most of the time, so I say, as my parting words for this entry, step right up and tear my beliefs down. 

Because I really am sick of being right every time.