Untitled.

"It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us."

-NM

I Want to Sleep Forever.

It's amazing how much a person can cry in 48 hours. 

It is also amazing how every aspect of a person's life can decide to conspire against them all at once. I always thought this only happened in cinema, for dramatic effect. 

No, ladies and gentlemen, I assure you it does not; apparently, it is also possible in real life.

I think I am just exhausted at this point.

I've exhausted my efforts.

I've exhausted my emotions.

I've exhausted my health.

I woke up barely two hours ago, but I want to lie down to sleep again. 

I am simply too tired. 

Old Habits Die Hard.

I've wiped away the last traces of the mascara that stained my face. 

I've thrown away all the tissues.

I saw my friend out the door. 

I've collected myself.

For all intents and purposes, I had a fantastic day. I made it to all my classes (early!). I ran the errands I had planned to run. I had a great lunch with a good friend. I ate three meals. I was productive. I was on track, finally. 

And it felt good. 

So what was to happen later can only be categorized as some sort of break from reality. It was truly frightening. Never have I gone from 0 to--not even 60--100 like that. From a state of content to a state of complete dissolution  in less than a second. The scary part of that statement is the fact that, for once, I am not exaggerating. Complete dissolution. I lost it.

I can't even recall that half hour of my life.

I just remember downing shot after shot of vodka and my ragged breathing. 

The alcohol did not help to calm me down, so I regressed. I regressed back to something that I thought I had cut out of my life a long time ago, that was not a part of me anymore.

I thought wrong. Old habits truly die hard.

And yet, strangely, I felt that old creeping sense of comfort overcome me again.  

I am afraid I have opened the floodgates to demons of days past. 

Epiphany.

I have decided, I need to get out more.

I need to do something with my life. 

Everyone is Looking for Something...

How I cope.

Mascara-Stained Face.

"Some days, my heart just hurts."

-L

It's such a simple statement, but it is so true. The dull throbbing ache in your rib cage, barely perceptible but always present, grows and grows until it is no longer just a mere ache but a crippling kind of churning. You ask yourself, "Is this my heart giving up?"

Taking a next breath becomes an obstacle in itself. 

Some days, I am even convinced that I will go to bed one night, and just never wake up.

Never Say Never, I Suppose...

I've always said I wouldn't and don't give second chances. I guess I'm eating my words now. It seems to be happening a lot lately. 

I hope I don't regret my decision. 

Let's Play a Game.

Should have: left.

Would have: saved myself some time and energy.

Could have: had some peace of mind.

Today has been an ironic day of massive proportions. I was prepared to write an entry detailing the events that unfolded today, but I don't think I will after all. 

However, I will say that I watched a great short film while eating my lunch. It was one of the ironic things that happened, but let's put that aside for now and focus on the film itself. 

Un Lever de Rideau is directed by François Ozon, and stars Louis Garrel (Les Chansons d'Amour, The Dreamers) and Mathieu Almaric (Le Scaphandre et Le Papillon). 

Sometimes, one can say much more in 20 minutes than in two hours. 

Progress.

"Look at it out here, it's all falling apart. I'm erasing you and I'm happy!"

Hm, getting there.